buttrock35

TIG's Rockstar Buttrock Karaoke Contest!!

Show Date: August 30, 2003

Holy Aquanet, who would've thought that a buttrock event on a holiday weekend could have become such a smashing success?? With surprise rockstar performances, hottie rockstars in black liquid eyeliner, and TIG-endorsed drink specials a-flowin', we had the imaginary times of our lives, and we can't wait to tell you all about it…

But first, special thanks to Unsung: the karaoke indie film, for co-sponsoring this event; to Megan Seling, Matt Nicols, Nabil Ayers, imaginary boy embracey, and Lee Hullender (Unsung) for judging; and to all our FANTASTIC participants for hitting those high notes in such fine style.

A few imaginary moments we'll never forget…

Holy shite, let's jump right in with our grand prize winner: Jenny Jimenez from the Catch. Her dazzling combination of fan kicks, gymnastic-routine splits, wigs, shoe changes, on-the-job-torn fishnets, Lita Ford and Samantha Fox simply rocked everyone's mullets off and earned her top honors. Turns out that Naughty Girls *Do* Need Love Too. Who knew?

If we could bottle the evening's performances of Mz. Jenny, well, not only would we all be very rich… but the world would also be a better, sexier, sassier place.

Thankfully she graced the stage three times throughout the evening. Twice Lita-style and once doing the Miss. Fox song.

Jenny Jimenez. Photo by Ryan Schierling.We ran into Jenny a few weeks before the contest and she told us about how she had been practicing and had her outfit planned out already. It was then we knew that we were in for something big. But again, who knew that she would actually put Lita Ford to shame with her dance routine? It was like some outrageously sexy aerobics class gone very, very wrong in all the right ways.

Many in attendance still haven't recovered. Especially Steve the KJ, who after Jenny's performance, could only stammer the words, "Um, could she do that again, please?"

Whoo-eee. That girl can KICK!

Kuma. Photo by Ryan Schierling.As much as I love the guys in eyeliner (we're getting to that — be patient!), the women owned buttrock. Case in point: Bre Loughlin from Kuma belting Motley Crue's "Shout at the Devil" like she was born with fishnets in hand {hmm, strange mixed metaphor there}.

Bre remarked how strange it was that the front row actually looked scared when she sang. And no wonder: have you seen the lyrics to this song? "He'll be the love in your eyes. / He'll be the blood between your thighs. / And then have you cry for more. / He'll put your strength to the test. / He'll put the thrill back in bed. / Sure you've heard it all before." Eep. I'm shuddering just reading it. Why don't indie rockers write lyrics like that?

But music, schmusic — really, isn't buttrock about the clothes? Bre knew that rule — look at that outfit. She told us she'd been propositioned at 23rd and Jackson on her way to the club.

We're not surprised. HOT!

U.S.E. Photo by Ryan Schierling.And how about Carly and Amanda (The Catch, United State of Electronica) singing, gyrating, living Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me?" Hot and sticky sweet, indeed.

I was most excited to see who was going to choose this song as it is quite close to my heart; I think it is the only song in my record collection that is of the "buttrock" persuasion. I remember the special day I purchased it on 7" at my local mall record store. After years of practicing it in my bedroom mirror, I still wouldn't have been able to top their performance.

Yes, you're right, igDana. The women understood the importance of dance moves for the ultimate buttrock experience.

Ripley. Photo by Ryan Schierling.And let's not forget Jessie S.K of Ripley with her buttrock-tacular rendition of the Cult's "Firewoman." Jessie not only did the dance move, but also tied her scarves to the microphone stand AND brought her own air guitarist!! If that doesn't say buttrock, why, I just don't know what does.

What about the wonder-woman who pinch-hit for The Lawnmowers boys! While we had a hard time believing that the incredibly Lawnmower boys might have been — dare we say — intimidated by a karaoke mic, we totally understood why they voted to send in Lawnmowers bassist Tanner's 'ringer' wife, Holly to face the glorious karaoke stage to sing on their behalf. And you know what? She not only earned their free drink tickets, but she made it to the finals! She Axl'd it up with "Welcome to the Jungle" and made the team proud.

GO GO Girl Power!

Right, right. Now let's start the discussion of boys in buttrock attire. The eyeliner. The tight pants. The posturing. It was all the dancefloor could do to NOT split their pants in David Lee Roth air splits.

Ollie Byrd. Photo by Ryan Schierling.What a champ Ollie Byrd from Yeek Yak Aiforce was. He was the first black-eyeliner-donning fellow in the door and then proceeded to overcome adversity: namely, we didn't have the song he'd been practicing over over a month Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home."

If there's one thing we should have learned from buttrock, it's that you can't stop rock and roll. You've gotta rock and roll all night.

Ollie clearly understood these principles. He didn't pack it in and settle for just singing some fast jangly shoe-in. He belted out a spot-on a capella "Home Sweet Home" and then launched into a smashing rendition of his second-choice song, Poison's classic power rock ballad, "Every Rose Has it's Thorn." He earned our honorary imaginary best in show prize! Congrats Ollie!

Robb Benson. Photo by Ryan Schierling.I think igLiz's fuchsia taffeta prom dress nearly fell down to her beige pumps when Robb Benson (of Dear John Letters) revealed onstage that he lost his virginity back in the day to Def Leppard's "Love Bites."

Did I mention Robb was wearing a doo-rag bandana-thingy? He was. While we didn't have the soundtrack to his de-flowering, he settled instead for the tender love ballad "Rock of Ages." Luscious.

The Divorce. Photo by Ryan Schierling.How could any buttrock cover performance rival the the Divorce show at the Crocodile last June?

Somehow Shane and Jimmy summoned their inner Kip Winger and belted out a rendition Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" that still has me mumbling something about, "I'm goin' down… a road… I go! again! on my own!"

{ed note: igLiz, David Coverdale was the lead singer of Whitesnake, not Kip Winger. Kip Winger was like, totally the lead singer of like, Winger. Duh. ~igDana}

Is this is the song with that Tanya Cataine in the white flowy dress rubbing herself all over the car?

{ed note: igLiz, it's Tawny Kitaen. ~igDana}

Hmm… that was in 1987, right? Sorry, I was a big Crowded House fan then.

{ed note: You might remember Tawny as being in Bachelor Party with Tom Hanks? Or that she was also married to athlete Chuck Finley? ~igDana}

Divorce and Vendetta Red. Photo by Ryan Schierling.And just when we thought things couldn't get any sexier, what with that Divorce boys singing, what happens then? Goddamn Zach "my God what product does he use in that gorgeous hair" Davidson from Vendetta Red) crashed the party and grabbed the mic to duet "Wanted Dead or Alive" with Jimmy from the Divorce. How lucky were we all to witness that, and more importantly, what product does he use in that incredible hair?

Holy hell. At some point it occurred to me: we're throwing a party and Zach and Jimmy are singing Jon Bon Jovi!! Someone get me another TIG {and thanks to Frank and Adrian at Chop Suey for making our imaginary dream come true by naming a drink special after us}!

Zach Davidson. Photo by Ryan Schilering.Did anyone else hear Zach regretfully tell me that he couldn't marry his cousin igChar because we're kinfolk? I told him that I'm from Michigan — we encourage that sort of behavior there!

Lucky me!

Perhaps that was when I was momentarily stunned / terribly entertained when I caught my hugely-haired reflection in the glint of Brent from Dorkweed's awesome shiny cop reflective sunglasses. He rocked the place with his buttrock'd Pat Benatar's "Heartbreaker."

Dorkweek. Photo by Ryan Schierling.Oh, plus Dorkweed gets super extra bonus points for the red Loverboy pants. Word.

Sean Moe from American School of Warsaw not only sported a faux mullet, but he did "Lick It Up" by… um, er… Def Lepard?

{ed note: NO… and Def Leppard as two "P"s ~igDana}

um… it was… the Scorpions?

{ed note: NO… actually strangely no one sang any Scorpions songs that night. ~igDana}

um… something with Kip Winger in it?

{ed note: NO! It was by Kiss. ~igDana}

KISS! No way, I can't be stupid on Kiss!

{ed note: Don't worry about it… it was late-era Kiss. Sans make-up Kiss. There is no shame in not knowing late-era Kiss… except maybe for "Lick It Up." ~igDana}

{ed note: Oh, I know that song… except I thought they were singing "Live It Up" ~igChar}

{ed note: A-ha… finally, the MTV-obsessiveness of my youth has worked to my advantage. For this issue, I rule! ~igDana}

Grr… damn, it doesn't ring a bell… but I DO know the other song that Sean performed as one of our top-five finalists. "Jump" by VAN HALEN. The vision of Eddie VH staring directly into the camera for the video of that song while he plucked that dunk dunk dunk dunk, dunk dunk dunk dunk part and smiled that "Dude, Party On" smile that he does so well is seared into my head. I remember how my older sister was going to marry him and her best friend was going to marry his brother…. what was his brother's name it was… um…

{ed note: Alex. ~igDana}

How very sweet and humble (not to mention, newly shorn and rather gorgeous) was Jon Auer when he came backstage and stated that he, "…usually plays with the band called the Posies," and requested to sing a karaoke tune.

How could this have happened, Jon Auer imploring me??

I bet he felt strangely compelled by forces he didn't understand, forces that I like to call the "Aussie effect." Namely, the scent of Aussie Scrunch spray intrigues all men. Try wearing it one night — you'll see! If they're in their late twenties or older, then you smell like every girl they ever dated in high school… if they're younger, then you smell like their babysitters. No young man can resist the allure of the Aussie!!

But I digress, there I was with JON AUER asking ME if he could sing!!! Good heavens! A happy coincidence, as just that moment I had the slip for Cheap Trick's "I Want You to Want Me" in my hand, and no one took responsibility for submitting it. Jon grabbed the mic and kicked all kinds of Robin Zandler ass, so much so that judge Matt Nichols awarded him the "Best impersonation of a rockstar" award.

Darn, why don't we have any pictures of Jon Auer singing!??

{photographer's ed note: I think I was belly up to the bar at this point. Perhaps getting SOMEONE another TIG? ~Ryan Schierling}

That was such a sweet rendition of one of my favorite "Knock-the-drainage-pipe-off-the-house-at-2am-while-dancing" songs.

Oh, wait… I have the Cheap Trick boxset in my music library. Score for me! I do have more buttrock in my collection than just the "Pour Some Sugar On Me" 7" record. Whew. I was beginning to question my upbringing.

That guy Dex Manley, the star of the Unsung movie, was awesome!! He totally took off his shirt while singing "Ice Cream Man."

{ed note: hey igChar — I'll give you five bucks if you can tell me who sings "Ice Cream Man." ~igDana}

Ooh! It's that one guy with all the hair and he always wears that half shirt and in his videos he had all those costumes!! What's his name??!?

{ed note: David Lee Roth? ~igDana}

Yes, that's him!

{ed note: OK, close enough. Five dollars for you. ~igDana}

Minus the Bear and Visqueen. Photo by Ryan Schierling.I knew that Ben Hooker of Visqueen had it in 'em. It began with his exchange with emcee igDana.

igDana: "What are you singing??"
Buttrock Ben: "Maiden… the best band EVER!"

From there he proceeded to belt out a bitchen' rendition of Iron Maiden's "Aces High" with dance-routine assistance from Cory Murchy AKA "Rico" of Minus the Bear. His wails left us screaming for more and his ferocity left us inspired. The combined effect earned Ben the judges' award for "Best Falsetto."

Now we know what can happen when you let a drummer out from behind his kit…

Ingo. Photo by Ryan Schierling.Ingrid "Ingo" Wurl — Steve the KJ regular, friend to all those imaginary, and cast member for Unsung — it's about time someone awarded that girl a prize for her pipes and sexy fashion sense! Ingo rocked the mic with a karaoke fav, Guns and Roses' "Sweet Child O' Mine" which won her a spot in the judges top five. Her finalist performance was controversial — was Journey really buttrock? — but after Ingo had her way with "Don't Stop Believin'", well, we believed.

Ingo went on to win the "best looking in a ripped shirt award." I don't think we need to explain why…

Photo by Ryan Schierling.Speaking of controversial buttrock songs, could "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls ever be consider as buttrock? Justin Benson from Argo raised the question with his remarkably- early- in- the- night- for- so- torrid- a- song-choice performance, but before we could answer it, he belted a buttrock favorite: the good ol' "You Shook Me All Night Long." And no one would dare question AC/DC.

Randy Wood. Photo by Ryan Schierling.Only TIG-artist extraordinaire Randy "Cold as Ice" Wood could make a blue stretchy jumpsuit look so natural. And yes, we mean that as a compliment!

Randy's outfit was to die for! I wonder if this is the first time he has worn it… or if he wears it around the house… I wonder if he originally got it for a Thanksgiving dinner celebration, or to jump out of a cake… the possibilities of what one could do in that suit are endless. It was fabulous. The judges agreed, awarding Randy a special "best jumpsuit" award — not a category we anticipated for the event, but apt and deserved nonetheless.

He looked like Evil Knievel.

But he was as Cold as Ice.

I know!

Water Kill the Sun. Photo by Ryan Schierling.Speaking of costuming, Theo Craig from Water Kill the Sun went all artsy-craftsy and constructed a faux metal mask that made me want to whip out the candy corn. He and fellow WKTS-ster Gavin Gregory presented a rousing rendition of Quiet Riot's "Cum on Feel the Noize" worthy of the song title's Us and Zs.

Theo's PBR shirt… Gavin's authentic demin-ware and the moves on both boys screamed, "Cruising the strip mall for chicks."

They inspired girls rocking boys. We all got wild, wild, wild.

{ed note: Wow… Liz you're getting good at this sing-along thing! ~igDana}

Photo by Ryan Schierling.And in true Buttrock 'n Roll fashion, the night ended when the place had to turn off the sound system and mics before our final winners could be picked and our last song sung.

Just Tommy Lee would say, "Darn those pesky noise ordinances!"

Didn't the same thing happen to Pretty Girls Make Graves at SxSW??

Oh… I feel their pain!

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