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He's Into Porn. Literally.

{Let Rachel Flotard of Visqueen take the sting out of your heart. Send your love advice questions her way at [email protected].}

Dear Rachel,

Ooh, I have a doozy of a question for you. I have been dating this guy for about three weeks or so (and yes, he fancies himself a musician). Last night, he told me he had just found a porno he and his ex had made together. After boasting of its merits (he said – "You can really tell how much we love each other"), he asked me if I wanted to watch it. He then expressed an interest in taking naked Polariods of me.

Um, IDK how to handle such requests. Do you think he needs therapy, and can I be the one to suggest that? Am I overreacting? Should I run away screaming? Should I watch it?

Please tell me what you think.

Regards,
He's into porn. Literally.

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Dear HITP.L.,

I think you should brain him with an iron, then throw fire ants in his face. Do you want to watch a PORNO that I made with my ex? What a JACKASS. If I was Pornman's ex I don't think I'd want you to see it. A major violation on multiple levels. He gets a human success rating of F-.

I think you should cut Merle Streep loose and find someone who wouldn't turn your polaroids into hemorrhoids. Guaranteed your ass would hurt when you thought of him showing those to the next girlfriend or better yet, his co-workers at The Fuck-up Shop or wherever he works.

He's "just found" this tape again. He can "rediscover" that his relationship success rate is a triple negative zero below zero. It's dump time, not hump time.

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{When she's not providing solace for the lovelorn, Rachel can be seen and heard playing for her band, Visqueen. But don't let that intimidate you! Send your love woes her way!}