I went to the Presidents of the United States of America looking for a healthy dose of patriotism in these dark and ominous times. Sadly I am here to tell you that, rather than an uplifting (and potentially animatronic) history of the great leaders of this nation, this was simply a rock show. Presidents of the United States of America, I know actual Presidents of the United States of America, and you, Senator, are no Presidents of the United States of America.

And that is why, my fellow patriots, I am here to announce to you today that I am a candidate for the Democratic nomination for 2004. I am running for President of the United States of America, and I intend to win!

"Why now?" you may be asking yourself. Or maybe you are saying, "Who the fuck is this joker?" Those are all good questions, and I intend to answer them.

The first question has an easy answer. With the withdrawal of Al Gore from the race, and the sorry-ass candidates who have announced so far, it is abundantly clear to me that every fucking Democrat in the United States is going to at some point be seriously considered for the candidacy. I am simply getting a proactive jump on the action.

And really, that is one of my main points! I am the candidate of "proactive action". Well, except in the case of this upcoming War for Lots of Oil, Part II: Junior's Revenge. Frankly, while I believe in a strong and technically advanced American military, I'd really prefer if we didn't just randomly pick a country we don't like and make up excuses to invade. Frankly, it looks like we are trying to overcompensate for something. And hello! It's completely arbitrary! North Korea tells us that they LIED for the last 4 years and secretly built nukes, and we're like: "Oh, um… stop that, and don't distract us while we go get the SECOND LARGEST OILFIELD IN THE WORLD — I mean stop Saddam from having nukes. Oh, wait…"

Ok, but back to the REAL point which is — I am running for President. And as far as who the fuck I am: I am a relatively unknown gay Jewish man living in Seattle. Yes, you read that right Joe Lieberman! I am not only JEWISH, I am GAY. How do you like them special voting-block apples? But unlike Joe, not only do I pledge to keep a White House Christmas tree, I vow to you today that it will be fabulously decorated.

And I tell you now, fellow patriots, that I will do my best to convince Oprah to be my running mate, which means that with one vote — with one swell foop! — you will render the adjectives Black, Gay, Jewish, and Woman irrelevant from American presidential politics. Which, I think you'll agree, should have been done a long fucking time ago. Like maybe after that stupid war we had 150 years ago that — ATTENTION STROM THURMOND AND TRENT LOTT: the North won. Sheesh!

Furthermore, I pledge to you, the good people of America, that if elected I will tell you the damn truth about whatever shit is going on in Washington, DC. Hell, I'll start right now! How 'bout this: George W. Bush is a goddamn moron, and NEWSFLASH! He didn't actually win the 2000 election. Am I going mad?! Does no-one remember that? It was BIG NEWS people!

OK, so to sum up, here is what I am for: Truth, Oprah, Fabulous Christmas Trees, War Only When Appropriate (I can't believe I have to say that), and a Strong Military. I should add that, as the Commander-in-Chief I will COMMAND the US Military, and if you ASK me if I am queer, I will TELL you. Fuck that — I'll tell you now! That is a stupid-ass rule. I mean, fuck you if you don't want my completely and utterly clean, disease-free faggot blood to help keep you alive in a blood bank, but you are further telling me that it's not good enough to spill in a war?!? Somebody make that Susan Powter bitch stop the insanity.

{ed note: Lorenzo, did you even *go* to the Presidents show at the Crocodile on New Year's Eve…? -igDana}

Hey, I want you to know I have voted in every single election since the 1988 Presidential election, and I voted in Broward County that year!

{ed note: Lorenzo, do you even know who the Presidents of the United States of America *are*? -igDana}

I resent that. I love that "Peaches" song. "I really love your peaches, wanna shake your trees."

{ed note: Hoo boy. This is not helping your campaign for the indie-kid vote… -igDana}

Look. I am not perfect, I'll be the first to admit. Hell, I bounced a few checks when I was in my 20's. Let's call that "youthful indiscretion", shall we? I mean shit — George W. got a DUI. A DUI, people — he was driving whilst drunk! When he was 30! And he chalked that up to "youthful indiscretion", so why not my bounced checks?

And OK, I'll admit it now: I'm not "technically" old enough to run for President. A minor detail! I don't turn 35 until March 9th, 2005. Which, sadly, is about 2 months later than inauguration, and hence, sort of unconstitutional. But hey! We are Americans, and we love scandal! By which I mean not the rock band with Patti Smyth, but rather the good old-fashioned done-wrong kind. So think of it this way: you vote for me, I win, I get sworn in, I am INSTANTLY in violation of the Constitution, and we get a huge TV scandal to keep up busy for two months, and then we celebrate my birthday as a National Holiday (I'm talking time off here, folks!), and everything is fine. Hell, I'll let Oprah steer the ship of state for two months. Ha! That is perfect!

So the upshot is — vote for me! I am running for President, and we can make history together! We can cross that bridge into the…uh…future…together! Message: I care!