I know you've all been waiting for it and here it is: MTV has announced the nominees for its annual suck-up-fest, the Video Music Awards! Rather than post them all here, I'll let you visit the slick MTV website that caused my browser to be unhappy, but I'll make a few comments for my… er… your amusement.

Best Group Video: All hacks except the White Stripes.

Best New Artist: AKA, the kiss of death award (see careers of past winners like Jesus Jones, Michael Penn, and a-Ha). The list includes Lily Allen (please win so you'll go away!), Amy Winehouse, and … Peter Bjorn and John?!

Female Artist: Amy Winehouse in a pile of rubbish like Nelly Frittata.

Male Artist: Alan Thicke's son is nominated. That's all I'll say.

"Monster Single": No idea what this award means, but I did discover that Fall Out Boy recorded a song this year called "Thanks for the Mummers." I didn't realize they enjoyed the Philly parade folks that much! Other nominees include abominations like Avril and Plain White T's.

"Earth Shattering Collaboration": Yeah, whatever. Another excuse to nominate JT, Beyonce, and others – including U2 and Green Day!

"Quadruple Threat": OK, I really have no idea what this means except that Bono and Beyonce, Jay-Z, JT, and Kanye are the nominees.

Video of the Year: Amy Winehouse got a nod, along with the TRL tripe like Kanye, JT, Beyonce, Rihanna and … wait for it … "D.A.N.C.E." by Justice! Yes, you read right.

Editing: Who cares.

Director: All hacks except maybe Samuel Bayer. Where is Chris Cunningham or Michel Gondry to kick their collective asses?