“You really are so f*cking boring.” – Salma Hayek as Eva Torres

I mean. That pretty much sums up this movie.

The Hummingbird Project is about two cousins: Vicent (Jesse Eisenberg, Eisenberg’ing as hard he possibly can), and Anton (Alexander Skarsgård, balding and *slightly* pot-bellied – aka shocking his many fans by playing outside his super hot norm) Zaleski, who come up with the idea to build a fiber-optic pipeline from Kansas to New York in order to grab stock exchange info faster than anyone else and make a boatload of money — in 16 milliseconds to be exact.

Vincent figures out they can make more money selling this idea to someone other than their current boss, Eva Torres (Salma Hayek, with, honestly, simply AMAZING hair), and quits for both of them, running off with Anton to a remote location in Kansas to begin coding, and digging. Unfortunately he’s underestimated Eva, who will do whatever it takes to beat them, and get her revenge, essentially turning it into a “David vs. Goliath” story,  with Torres as the big bad.

If this sounds like a thin plot for an almost two hour movie, it is, which I guess is why there are so, so, so, SO many music montages used to string the narrative together. The writers tried to add some more drama in here to amp up the plot; Torres eventually has Anton arrested for stealing her proprietary code, Vincent learns he’s suffering from a fatal illness, and there’s even a couple of weird scenes with an Amish land owner that I think it supposed to say something to us about technology and greed, but um … at that point I didn’t really care. It’s also pretty impossible to root for “David” when he’s almost totally unlikable.

Let’s talk about the performances: Alexander Skarsgård’s performance is perfect, as usual, and I wish I could tell you that his spectacularly awkward dance down a hotel hallway was worth it — but all you really need is a GIF of that, and you’re set. Salma is great too, but she’s barely in it, and I feel like her character is just surface-y evil CEO.

Eisenberg is, you know, doing his usual thing, but even though he’s the protagonist, by the time he flips out and then has his “revelation” to make everything right, it’s pretty meaningless. Which is another good way to describe this film.