{Let Rachel Flotard of Visqueen take the sting out of your heart. Send your love advice questions her way at loveishard@threeimaginarygirls.com.}

 

Dear Rachel,

I have this problem and you're the only one I can talk to about it. You see, I fell in love with your drummer Ben. I know he has a girlfriend but I just can't help it. He is sooooo sexy! I worked with him for about seven years and we grew very close, and I recently moved out of town in hopes of getting over him. But I can't stop thinking about him. I know he loves me too. What should I do?

Alfonce.

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Dear Alfonse:

Firstly, are you old enough to have a Hotmail account?

Secondly, I'm kicking Ben out of the closet.

Go for it. Scream it, tell it to your boss. Ben is as gay as a tree full of parrots. Al, since you left town, Ben has been cloaked in a gaudy hetero-masquerade. As his bandmate, I need to launch him from the Mardi-Gras Float of deceit he's been driving around our lives. This will destroy his longtime girlfriend, but I think she may already know. (his oversized hand-knit sweater with the "Pheasant In Flight" Scene on the back?)

The chemistry between you two at work, rolling all of those meatballs together, feeling the pork between your fingers and exchanging glances…

Dude.
Come on home.

Then ask him about Carl….

 

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{When she's not providing solace for the lovelorn, Rachel can be seen and heard playing for her band, Visqueen. But don't let that intimidate you! Send your love woes her way!}