{Let Rachel Flotard of Visqueen take the sting out of your heart. Send your love advice questions her way at loveishard@threeimaginarygirls.com.}

 

Dear Rachel,

Hi! So, like, I've been trying to find cute boiz thru like myspace n stuff. It's hard!!! LOL!! My profile is really pretty, hahah, I worked really hard on it so that the colors would like look good with my picture and stuff. I'm really cute and boiz really like me, but all the guys on myspace have all these ho's leaving them comments and stuff that are all slutty! LOL!!!

So, like, I'm jealous I guess. I mean, all these guys seem really smart and cool. How do I meet one for real without all those ho's all over him? I totally want a boyfriend cuz I'm starting college this year and totally won't be able to get into a sorority without a boi!! LOL!!!!

Help!!!

Peace out!! – Sandy

 

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Peace in, Sandy.

Either I am the Smucker's Jam celebrity geriatric of the week who just turned 1000, or I'm completely out of touch with today's youth.

If people talked like that in person, I would drive to France, dig up Napoleon's glove, drive back, and slap them like a hand-jive at Antoinette's house. Half the fun of sarcasm is that the dipstick you're corresponding with takes it seriously for a sec, but then gets it. Here you come out of the gates pulling the Shecky Greene relief pin, white flagging the reader to go on ahead and cut up.

I may be guilty of making up words like "bangdiggity,""scamulet," or "douchenetics," but I am full-on Facts McGee when I tell you firing off smiley-winks and LOL-zoinks like Bonnie Graham Bell invented the telephone, will only get you into the University of Choad, Brass Plum Academy, or majoring in legwarmers and shaving Z's in scalps.

You just lit your High School grad gown on fire and are about to rage pole-position on this country for 'Oldie Hawns like me. Babylady, pick up some Shakespeare instead of MySpacing every tragic piano-tie-busily-fucking-up-Loreal-Preference-directions-and-trying-to-grow-muttonchops-by-concentrating fellow.

xo
Rach

 

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{When she's not providing solace for the lovelorn, Rachel can be seen and heard playing for her band, Visqueen. But don't let that intimidate you! Send your love woes her way!}