On Tuesday afternoon, John Waters was interviewed by SIFF’s Carl Spence before a screening of his mediocre comedy Cecil B. Demented.

Although Spence was a lousy interviewer (“Are you sure you don’t remember any salacious stories about Kathleen Turner from Serial Mom?”), Waters is a great person to quote. Here are some of the funny things I jotted down from their 30 minute interview:

– On whether Cecil B. Demented was autobiographical: “Critics always say all of my movies are autobiographical. I’d like to say that I treat my cast better than Cecil did…. Terrorists are very rarely laugh riots.”

– “You can’t have taste without knowing good taste. You need to know what the rules are before you can break them.”

– “I don’t watch television. I just watch it for porn and war. That’s it. Now they send me porn for free in the mail. The way my mother raised me, I send thank you notes for the free porn. ‘That was very nice of you to send me Schindler’s Fist."

– “It’s unfortunate that you can’t get the New York Post out here in Seattle. They have the best headlines. The best one ever was ‘Ike beats Tina to death.’”

– “Now I have what I call cinematic immunity. It really isn’t fair but when I go to make movies the city tells people to move their cars and stuff just so I can go make money.”

– “I never trust people that have never been arrested once.”

– On using inmates as extras in his movies: “There was an extra we used in Serial Mom who got out and killed two people. I feel bad about that.”

– “I hate David Lean and all of his movies. Katherine Hepburn too…. Oh I hate the long, sweeping shots of beauty. And she’s humor impaired. I hate them both and if they were alive they wouldn’t care.”

– On using Patty Hearst in his films: “I love Patricia Hearst. She’s wonderful but no one wants to be a famous victim. Who wants to be the Lindbergh baby?”

– On getting Moby to do the score to Cecil B. Demented: “I really liked his album at the time and I just called him up and asked if he wanted to work together. In this business, ‘no’ is free.”

– On his favorite porn theater in Baltimore (The Earl) being closed down: “Oh it was a great place. On a good night you could walk to the popcorn stand nude.”

– “Most good love songs aren’t about functional love. They’re about fucked-up love.”