{Let Rachel Flotard of Visqueen take the sting out of your heart. Send your love advice questions her way at loveishard@threeimaginarygirls.com.}

Dear Rachel,

I dated this guy for many years and recently we broke up. It was what we both wanted but of course things got kind of weird during the whole move out and separate part of it. Long story short, he went from begging me to come back to him a couple of weeks ago to dating one of my close friends just last week. I don't want him back or anything so I guess he's a free agent to do what he wants but I don't know it just seems shitty to me and I'm piseed! What should I do?

Thanks,
Feeling Pissy

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Dear Feeling Pissy,

Yay-ups, or Cool-ups, they ain’t.

Break-ups are like taking bowling shoes back to the counter. Some winner sprays them off as another foot boards its nerd-bound train to land a fuckin’ turkey.

The guy you split with is exactly like the rest of us ball tossers, trying to figure it out. As for the fire-sale on your friend, sometimes we can’t help who we shag. You’ve been there, it’s somebody else’s turn, and it hurts. But fear not, piss pot. Even when the abandonment toll rises and you think you hate change, the quarter in your pocket sticks 25 better chances to that magical mechanical grabby-prize arm.

Best thing you can do is stop riding a paper square down the pipes to live with sea poops and really think of what “Free Agent” means. It means Miserable Impossible 3, starring him. There is no windy chortling, head back, in a fur-upholstered Rolls with crunk bitches. It’s lonely in a Starbucks kiosk downloading German porn for dummies.

Now get dressed in perspective and enjoy yourself among the gutterskanks, because coffee is for closers.

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{When she's not providing solace for the lovelorn, Rachel can be seen and heard playing for her band, Visqueen. But don't let that intimidate you! Send your love woes her way!}