13 Assassins

13 Assassins

Gore-master Takashi Miike’s latest Samurai epic 13 Assassins is so much fun, I’m finding it hard to even start describing.

In 1844, an arrogant sonovabitch lord commences with all kinds of raping and killing—including gruesome shit like cutting the arms and legs off a young lady after killing her whole family, and oh, cutting out her tongue too (the visual was almost as bad as “the thing in the bag”, re: Audition).

So anyway, the leaders of other royal families are committing harakiri all over the place due to the shame of both what the evil lord has done, and what their country has become, when one guy decides he’s had enough and hires a gang of assassins to take the bad guy out.

Some of the film’s time is spent on gathering 12 retired and new samurai and training them—with a few exciting sword battles in-between—and then they set out to ambush the baddie, running into the 13th: a half-crazy hunter who’s been away from people perhaps a little too long. Props to that guy though, he knows how to swing a mean rock.

The last 45 minutes pits the 13 against an army of 200 (!!!), with the advantage being that the assassins have just enough time to seriously pimp out the battle field with trick fences, explosives, and RUNNING BULLS EQUIPPED WITH FIRE. Yes, you read that right. 

The final showdown is a non-stop, thrill-a-second, bloody-soaked treat. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, and I didn’t want it to stop. If you’re looking for an action film that’s a whole ball of awesome, this is it. I recommend you spend your non-SIFF alotted ticket money on this!