{Land Of The Sweets: The Burlesque Nutcracker 2012 plays at the Triple Door from Friday, December 14, to Wednesday, December 27, 2012. Doors open at 7:00 p.m., two shows nightly, and a 2 p.m. matinee on Sundays during the run. Tickets $28-45, and sold out shows might still have standing room only capacity. Call the box office at 206-838-4333.}

The holidays are a nightmare of greedy rugrats, gripey grandparents, ubiquitous cornball music, and traumatizing consumer stress. F it all, and F all of 'em! What do you do if all you really want to do for the holidays is chill down and melt your senses away some place dark, hopefully along with some happy vibes from fellow age appropriate hedonists and libertines? How about have your tipple and see some sweet sexy dancing in a posh place? It's not like you can't appreciate some swinging tunes, or dazzling dames and sleek gents, this time of year. But where oh where?

Santa busted joy early on me this season, as my wife twisted my man-sack to go see the saucy and seductive Land Of The Sweets: The Burlesque Nutcracker 2012 at the super-cozy Triple Door. I whined and pleaded not to go out in the cold wet weather, but soon DA-sportin' dapper emcee Jasper McCann was letting me know everything was gonna be alright-OK, as he kept the sweet chuckling Snowflakes (three cute little human champagne bubbles) in line, stirring up backstory, crackin' zingers about trying to get your jones on in the middle of family squabbles, and surviving through all that shitty Xmas music. Then BOOM! he brought on the dancers.

The showgirls and showboys are the Seattle A-list of Burlesque, which I do not get out often enough to see, apparently. Starring Lily Verlaine, featuring Miss Indigo Blue, Kitten La Rue, Waxie Moon, Babette LaFave, and many more flirted and teased and scratched the backs of the audience, who were utterly charmed. Verlaine does this thing with a big cup of coffee (and two harem lads) which will be a familiar turn-on for any Seattle bean fan. Miss Indigo Blue wore some mind-blowing outfits, a beauty draped in works for art (but not for long). I wasn't into Waxie Moon at first, not being a devotee of tall lanky Russian men, but he came out as some sort of Blackbeard-based Rat Tail Kind and took my heart anyways. There was a snazzy silhouette solo with light-play, hopping songs from Jasper, tons of comedy, and the always ebullient Snowflakes, which often attacked the audience lovingly.

I ain't jiving when I say this is probably your best bet for a really fun adult time this holiday season (not involving TIG, of course). Of special note is the diversity of body type and creative style of the dancers, just like real burlesque, made for real people who love to have fun watching exceptionally talented human beings do some neat things with all of it. Yes, boobs. And some other things you might be shocked by! Not me, it all just warmed my green-gilled Grinch heart to a bright beating blue.