{Let Rachel Flotard of Visqueen take the sting out of your heart. Send your love advice questions her way at loveishard@threeimaginarygirls.com.}

Dear Rachel Flotard,

Visqueen is my favorite ever.

How can I find a dude who is as hot as you?

Love,
Alithea

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Dear Alithea,

That's weird. I am a dude.

Behind this delicate, uber feminine rock lady facade is a metal soldier so Oz-like, the word “tweezer” seems insubordinate. 5 o'clock shadow at 3:30? C’est moi!

Unattended, I look like a fuckin sorcerer. A lot of “whoa-men” my age can attest to this phenom, but can they braid it? The fact remains that I am a winner. I get all crunked out just remembering the time I made the cover of Modern Whisker. Later days Sports Illustrated! Plus, there’s tons of dudes’ hot as me. Look at Eva Longoria, or Kim Warnick.

All you have to do is close your eyes, click your corrective red shoes three times, and start mentally going to all the places I would go:

• Safeway.
• The Money Tree.
• The creepy Hills Have Eyes pet store in Ballard on 15th.

Without Lucasfilms and the good folks at Skywalker Ranch, I would still be Billy Gibbons understudy instead of writing my own ticket.

Visqueen thanks you, beautiful fan person, from behind rose colored follicles.

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{When she's not providing solace for the lovelorn, Rachel can be seen and heard playing for her band, Visqueen. But don't let that intimidate you! Send your love woes her way.}