{Let Rachel Flotard of Visqueen take the sting out of your heart. Send your love advice questions her way at loveishard@threeimaginarygirls.com.}

Dear Rachel,

I'm having this issue where no one's hot. I'm not arrogant — and it's not that I've never found anyone hot. It's just that NO ONE LOOKS REALLY HOT RIGHT NOW. I dunno. I've tried the Stranger, Match dot com, bars ranging from The War Room to Wild Ginger. Sometimes someone seems like they could be hot… until they open their mouths. Ugh. I don't feel jaded by past relationships and don't feel like I'm looking for a particular type or mold. I can even bring myself to see past the hair-face that somehow spread like the plague last year. I am starting to feel like there is something wrong with me, like someone took my hot-o-meter away. Anyhow, I'd love some rock star advice.

Love,
Are They Hot Or Not?

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Dear ATHON,

Since when did Capitol Hill become Cold Mountain? Pine Street is about two bloody bandages away from a fuckin full scale Civil War reenactment. Which would be hilarious. Cannons shooting out of QFC, Neighbours as the infirmary. Women carrying muskets that fire Veet, or lice, at random Inmans.

You think you've got problems lady? Gillette is sweating it's ass off. They're in the think tank coming up with slogans like, "Razor Blades! Not just for suicide anymore." and "Nice Beard. Your Band Sucks."

As far as not finding anyone attractive, this is the time to focus on what makes you TRULY excited. Not the bullshit you tell other people, like, well, I like Thai food, and Soduko, and flowers, and disappointment. Really think about it. If you want to be on a fuckin Shiela E. Hip Hop Squad, go take a class, or go to fuckin Easter Island and dig up some crap. You WILL inevitably ram your car onto a curb and potentially hit the hottest person on earth. Life is just that annoying.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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{When she's not providing solace for the lovelorn, Rachel can be seen and heard playing for her band, Visqueen. But don't let that intimidate you! Send your love woes her way!}