{Let Rachel Flotard of Visqueen take the sting out of your heart. Send your love advice questions her way at loveishard@threeimaginarygirls.com.}

 

Dear Rachel,

I know this girl that 'dated' a guy in a band briefly, months ago, and still can't seem to shake off her burnt bits since it folded. How do you tell a girl that it's a big wild world out there, that's anyone's game, and not to expect special treatment just because she dresses like a five year old. 'Anonymous' public airing of personal stuff isn't a really self-respecting way to behave. The saddest thing is this girl really seemed smart, cool and totally together but now just seems like a spoilt child. How do you tell a girl to stop making a fool of herself?

Concerned for Girlkind.

 

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Dear CFGK,

Before I can get to the entree, there's a few layers of fumin' onion to peel.

1. "This girl that 'dated' a guy in a band briefly…and still can't seem to shake off her burnt bits"
   Wow. Saturday morning. Daffy Duck, exploded, ashed-out beak tapping off into a pile. He does not resume plugging Fudd's shotgun barrels until the next scene, right? He needs a sec to compose himself, right? Well? GIVE THIS CHICK A BREAK, BIG BEN. Turn the stopwatch off.
2. "Not to expect special treatment just because she dresses like a five year old."
   Five-year-olds wear Osh-Kosh and ask questions like, "Why are you fat?" without getting punched in the face. I'm not convinced that grown women dressing like five year olds expect that kind of immunity. They just like Hello Kitty and pencils and and cigar box purses and cute leetle Japanese things that break in two seconds. No harm there.
3. "The saddest thing is this girl really seemed smart, cool and totally together but now just seems like a spoilt child. How do you tell a girl to stop making a fool of herself?"
   Just apply the same formula you would when telling someone about spinach stuck in her tooth. You do it so she doesn't look like a dick.

BUT — and I could be reading in too closely — the word "seemed" implies she's not a longtime pal. Faulting her for not gracefully getting over a "brief" relationship while you're having difficulty getting over a "brief" friendship seems ironic. Ease up and keep your eyes on your own paper. I suggest you entitle it: A 7,000 word piece on "Compassion for Girl kind."

 

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{Let Rachel Flotard of Visqueen take the sting out of your heart. Send your love advice questions her way at loveishard@threeimaginarygirls.com.}