Three Imaginary Girls

Seattle's Indie-Pop Press – Music Reviews, Film Reviews, and Big Fun

{Let Rachel Flotard of Visqueen take the sting out of your heart. Send your love advice questions her way at [email protected].}

Dear Rachel: I really like this girl…a lot. But her vagina has a terrible odor. I always make her shower before bumping uglies and I think she is getting the hint, but it's just the natural musk of her cooch.

Is it shallow of me to break up with her because I can't stand her love stench?

Thanks,
Can't Stand the Stench

******************************

Dear CSTS,

What are you, typing to me from a milk crate while your mom's out? I’m sure your balls are a double order of tea roses, so let’s take a look at compassion and tact so you can big-boy iron things out.

First: Luca Brasi didn't want to sleep with the fishes either, but for the love of Jesus Jones, PLEASE conjure your most non-offensive, most caring and sincere tone when you tell her. Just the idea that she is going to have to hear that her vag is rotting from someone who uses "bumpin uglies" in a sentence is just a deafening air horn of white terror. It's like having the Warped Tour tell her.

I'm sure she loves your traditionally romantic appetizer of hose-off and prison shower, but a few lighthearted words could fix shit without scarring her for life. How about, "Honey, you smell different, is everything alright?" instead of, "Your axe wound is killing me, ho. I'm out." Whether the problem's on your upper lip or under her hood, treading thoughtfully will always propagate boner relief in the shallows.

******************************

{When she's not providing solace for the lovelorn, Rachel can be seen and heard playing for her band, Visqueen. But don't let that intimidate you! Send your love woes her way.}