If we ever needed further proof that we are witnessing the hastened decline of our oh-so-evolved civilization, I offer you: Elimidate.

Move over, Dating Game, now there's something meatier…

For those who consider themselves too highbrow to descend to watching dating programs on TV… good for you! For the rest of us… Fucking A, ELIMIDATE is going to be filming eight episodes in Seattle! YeeHAW! As soon as I heard, I knew what I had to do. I rounded up my girl posse for support (imaginary Liz and our friend Niki), and headed down to my first (and presumably, last) visit to The Last Supper Club.

Elimidate: the ultimate dating competition. Four women go on a date with one man (or vice versa). During the course of the show, the four datees slowly get whittled away by the dater — elimidated, as it were — until only one datee remains. Generally much humiliation, boasting, and cattiness ensues. Good times, good ratings.

I was ready to rumble. I wore extra eyeshadow. I was fully ready to bare some skin (and claws) and to accuse my competition. Fake boobs! Fake tans!! Yessirree, I was ready.

As it turned out, no cattiness was required. Our host for the evening came out to the dance floor and cried, "Who wants to be on Elimidate???!" I shot him my best disco fingers and a smile, and he pointed to the staircase. "You, downstairs," he said. Damn, that was easy! Woo hoo!!

First I had to fill out an application with some pretty hefty questions, including: name, age, fetishes, education, sexual fantasies, and by the way, do you look good in a bathing suit and also would you be comfortable appearing in a bathing suit on national television? Um, does ANYONE put no? I tell ya, it wasn't the only lie I wrote on that form…

{Though damnit, am still kicking self for not putting my fetish was, "Being tied to a bed post and fucked to Metallica," as per Niki's suggestion. See, *that's* why I'm not gonna get on Elimidate…}

So I bet you're wondering who was down there with me, who were the lucky few selected to go down (and of course the humor here is not escaping me, nor should you miss its irony, dear reader): Blonde women, black men. Yep, that was pretty much the breakdown. Good thing I've been hitting the home-bleaching pretty heavily these days.

And these girls were SMARTIES! I had to do my fair share of tutoring with the application form. Seriously. My favorite question?

She said: How to you spell Caucasian?
I said: C-a-u-c-a-s-i-a-n (slowly).
She said: I'm just gonna put white.

Ahh, the finery of an American (Caucasian) education.

Finally, it was my turn in front of the camera… They sat me down in a chair (well, after they filmed my body and made me spin in a circle to capture it from all angles; guess they don't take people at face value when they say they "look good in a bikini" after all), and started asking me questions.

It started off innocently enough; we talked about music (big surprise) for the first part of the interview, and basically came to the conclusion that we listened to none of the same bands (another shocker). Then the line of questioning became more, um, interesting…

He said: Are you a GOOD girl?
I said: What do you mean? (hoping I sound suggestive and not just ignorant…)

He said: You know. Are you FREAKY?
I thought: {FREAKY????}
I said: Who me…? No. (*giggle* with coy glance at camera)

He said: Do you have sex with women?
I said: You'd think, but no.

He said: Really…? I would have thought you did for sure.
I thought: Really…? Hmmm.
I said: Yeah… no. My life would probably be far more gratifying if I did…
I thought: Nice one! Titillating the interview guy seems like a good idea.

He said: When was your last one night stand?
I said: OK, let's be fair: when was the last time I had sex?
{He laughed. Woo hoo, elimidate points for imaginary Dana!}

He said: So why do you want to be on the show? You seem a little… {note: this is my favorite part} more smart and mature than most of the people we interview?
I said: Shit! I've been trying to hide that…

He said: No! That's not bad!! I just want to know why you want to be on Elimidate?
I said: Because I love dating shows! Love Connection and Studs reruns were the only way I survived grad school.
I thought: DOH! I just said "grad school!!" I am sooo not getting on Elimidate!

He said: Describe your ideal man, physically.
I said: I like really tall, really skinny men… guys with good hair and a wicked sense of humor. And style. Guys with lovely long forearms and cool protruding adam's apples. Guys who listen to great music and wear cool shoes. Impish grins and fiery personalities.
I thought: Oh great. Now he's going to arrive at the same conclusion I reached long ago: there are no guys to set me up with in Seattle. I am too picky. Again I say, DOH!
Then I said: I like men who are sort of androgynous. Like when I was younger, I was hopelessly falling for gay men all the time, because they smell good and wear such nice shoes.

He said: Yeah, I know some really gay-acting straight men.
I said: Yeah! There seems to have been a real paradigm shift among the heterosexual men in this town…
I thought: DOH! I just said "paradigm shift" DURING MY ELIMIDATE INTERVIEW!!! I might as well be fat.
And then I thought: Can I change my answer? What I meant to say was, "I just like big guys who like to party!!!!!!"

So that was about it. I should be hearing back in the next few weeks. Sadly, I will be in Europe while they're filming, so even if I'm selected, I can't go. Just don't tell the judges I said that (as I think I've already put myself at enough of a disadvantage already with my responses…)