This is the full text of San Francisco Chronicle writer Aidin Vaziri's "review" of the new Britney album:
Things I'd rather do than listen to Britney Spears' new album: (1) Change Koko the talking gorilla's diaper, (2) Watch "You've Got Mail" twice, (3) Eat the Malibu chicken platter at Sizzler, (4) Play Frisbee with a cat, (5) Make out with Jenna Bush, (5) Lick lead paint off a set of recalled Thomas the Tank Engine trains, (6) Shove a dozen Twinkies down the back of my pants and sit on a beanbag, (7) Go trick-or-treating dressed as a smoking squirrel, (8) Marry Kevin Federline and give him custody of my children, (9) Exercise, (10) Karate-chop the Eiffel Tower in half, (11) Buy back my Wham! cassettes from Amoeba, (12) Train a pack of Doberman pinschers to rob a bank, (13) Listen to Backstreet Boys' new album, (14) Tattoo every character of the Mandarin language on my left leg, and (15) Stop looking at foot-fetish porn on the Internet. What am I waiting for? That's an awesome to-do list!
I know Britney is a trainwreck and her career is in turmoil and she's a lousy parent and her actual existence is a threat to the American way of life and blah blah blah. Yet, with this review, all that I've learned from it is that the Chronicle is willing to hire and publish ill-informed assholes and insult the intelligence of their readership.
To me, Vaziri violated two important rules of rock criticism (if there are any such "rules"): (1) He wrote about something dismissively without bothering to listen to it in the first place – ie, doing the job he is paid to be doing – (although he gets a fraction of a bonus point for admitting such), and (2) If that is too much to ask, he wasn't funny.
What do you all think?
Thanks to Idolator. I think.