Three Imaginary Girls

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I just saw Teresa Heinz Kerry speak at Seattle Center Community College. She inspired a converted gymnasium overflowing with Kerry supporters to a roaring standing ovation with her eloquent, rousing words of hope.

One specific quip of hers left me with a twinge of curiosity. While criticizing the Bush administrations' mishandling of the so-called War on Terror, and their bungled job of capturing terrorist Osama bin Laden, she quipped, "Osama bin laden because Osama been Lost… and someday soon he might be Osama been Found." The audience laughed uproariously at her play on words, and her speech continued.

Turns out, this isn't the first time Mrs. Heinz Kerry has been outspoken on this issue. Which got me to thinking… is the Democratic party trying to prepare us for a Republican party "surprise capture" of Osama bin Laden in the coming weeks?

Now, I've never been one for conspiracy theories. But after four years of a Bush administration, my limits for what we can expect in a democracy have been frightfully challenged. Now it wouldn't surprise me a smidge if the Bush/Cheney powers that be have Osama been Waiting in the Wings, ready to save their faltering campaign.

I had to find out more. So I became one investigative imaginary girl. Remember how in Men in Black, Tommy Lee Jones tells Will Smith that he needs to read the gossip rags in order to find out what's really going on? Sometimes you need to check in with the subversives. In that faith, I began some Internet research…

And lookie what I found: Osama Bin Lotto! The Internet is chock full o' conspiracy theorists who believe bin Laden was captured ages ago. They've been (bin?) blogging their bets about when the Bush administration is going to "capture" bin Laden, for the biggest political bang and blammo! And there's substance to their madness: according to international news sources, the US apparently captured Osama Bin Laden back in February 2004, and the Republican party has been holding him until the most politically-opportune time. And yes, I know the US has since denied these claims. But so what? They also said Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction, and we all saw how not true that claim was.

With the Republican ticket seriously smarting after Bush's disastrously-wonderful performance at the first presidential debate, and a slew of negative press finally pouring in regarding the false pretenses of Iraq war — not to mention the political polls quick veer from a Bush lead to a dead heat {and likely Kerry win in the Electoral College} — and let's not forget the outrageous influx of {presumably liberal} new voters in swing states thanks to the efforts of political action groups like — phew. Seems like the Republican party is losing it's footing about now. If there were a time to throw down a trump card, the time is nigh. Is it that outlandish to think we're all pawns in their little power game of "bin Laden, bin Laden, we've got the bin Laden?"

As much as I want to see bin Laden captured, and as desperately as I loathe our president, I need to hold on to the hope that our government officials would not lie to us about that. I can't accept the possibility that they have had public enemy #1 in custody — something that would have provided the nation with such great solace and security — while they simultaneously played on our fears in order to gain re-election… only to drag him out in the 11th hour in order to steal another election. That's just despicable.

The one thing I despise and fear more than a cowboy terrorist with an antipathy for our country is four more years with a cowboy president who would exploit the fears of a nation for political gain.

Wait, I'm lying. There is one thing I fear even more than the aforementioned cowboys. I fear that this sort of deception would work. I fear that instead of righteous indignation, this bottom-of-the-ninth-inning-with-bases-loaded capture would make Bush a re-elected hero with the worst sort of hypocritical "Go-Go-USA!" phony enthusiasm imaginable. I fear that instead of righteously vilifying Bush for deception, Americans will crown him with four more years on November 2nd. And if we stand for that, we will take anything. Fear will have triumphed, and lying politicians savor the scent of our acquiescence. Just kiss those notions of liberty and freedom bye-bye, and watch while the government expands the Patriot Act and enacts other frightfully Fascists policies all in the name of keeping us "safe."

I hope I am wrong. I hope I'm just being paranoid, falling victim to my own sense hope for November 2nd. I can't help it; I'm of Jewish heritage, and we're notoriously superstitious, nervous people. Call this article my pre-emptive strike. If it's all a bunch of Internet hoo-hah, if this rumor has as much substance as Bush's claims that Iraq has nuclear weapons, I will be relieved.

But if on the off-chance Osama bin Laden is magically "captured" come October 25th or so, you've been forewarned. Don't be deceived. Know that, while it's good news to have a terrorist in custody, it's far worse to live in a country where it's acceptable to be manipulated for political gain. And remember that no single capture can overturn the four years of ill will we have earned from the world thanks to our presidents lack of diplomacy, courageousness, and hell, intellect.

Just promise me you won't buy into the bullshite rah rah rah americana such a capture would inspire. Be properly indignant! Remember that you have been lied too, again. And vote for change on November 2nd, either way.

Read more about the origins of the October surprise.
Cast your vote for what the October surprise will be.

{igDana can't even write about music any longer, she's so riled up about this election. If Kerry loses, she plans to drown herself in a soy latte, or move to Barcelona for four years. Please don't allow either of those things to happen.}